{"id":3738,"date":"2023-08-08T14:01:00","date_gmt":"2023-08-08T12:01:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/psykologvirke.no\/?p=3738"},"modified":"2024-10-03T15:05:59","modified_gmt":"2024-10-03T13:05:59","slug":"nar-sex-blir-vanskelig","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/psykologvirke.no\/en\/self-help\/nar-sex-blir-vanskelig\/","title":{"rendered":"When sex becomes difficult"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u00a0<\/strong>Text by Julie Barrie<\/strong> (julie@psykologvirke.no) psychologist and couples therapist <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n
Book an appointment with one of our experienced couple therapists<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2013 No matter what I do, she won't!\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2013 All he thinks about is sex!<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Are you and your partner stuck in a negative sexual cycle?<\/strong><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

How did our inequality affect our sex lives?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

There are a lot of things couples in long-term relationships have to figure out together. How should we spend our money? How clean should we keep it at home? How much personal time versus family time should we have? How will we spend our holidays?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is rare for couples to have identical desires related to all of these topics, so here begins one of the biggest challenges in a relationship \u2013 and an arena for growth: how should we communicate about, and deal with, the fact that we have different preferences and desires? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Should we raise our voices and become increasingly insistent that we are right, and tell the other person \u2013 directly or indirectly \u2013 that they are wrong, or even worse? is <\/em>wrong, because it's not like me!?\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course not, but most of us fall into these ruts on a regular basis anyway. And this is where this negative cycle or negative circle comes in. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because we can either handle the differences between us in ways that are positive, reinforcing, where over time we become better at understanding each other and making arrangements to meet each other's wishes and needs - or we can become increasingly critical and dismissive and have a shorter and shorter fuse in relation to the other's differences.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Different ignition patterns<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

And this also applies to sex. It is very rare that couples, over time, have the same need for sex or initiate sex as often. It is more common for there to be a discrepancy in sexual desire in both heterosexual and homosexual couples, i.e. that one party wants sex more often than the other, and that one party may have a responsive sexual desire while the other has a spontaneous sexual desire. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to sex researcher Emily Nagoski<\/a> 70% of men have spontaneous sexual desire \u2013 that is, a mental stimulus, such as something they see or think, can arouse physical desire \u2013 while 50-60% of women have responsive sexual desire. This means that physical desire only arises when many different factors are present. For example, they feel calm, comfortable, have a good connection with their partner and are secure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is easy to see that these two firing patterns can clash if one assumes that the other is \u2013 or should be \u2013 like me. For example, a man with a spontaneous firing pattern (10-20% of women also have a spontaneous firing pattern) may say something sexual or touch the woman in a sexual way because that is how his desire is aroused. But if her body is not in that state, it may be wrong for her.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How couples communicate around and resolve this inequality can lead them to enter positively reinforcing tracks, where they constantly get to know each other better and can facilitate good interactions \u2013 or they can enter negative tracks where they begin to criticize each other and attribute negative qualities to each other.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How can we turn this around?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Many couples come to therapy<\/a> with this issue, and it is very nice that they are asking for help to reverse such a pattern. First of all, the therapist must help the couple to map the negative cycle they have entered, so that the couple can recognize it and see how this dynamic is destroying them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The couple is then guided to go a little deeper into what is stirring under the harsh statements or withdrawals, and practice communicating it to each other instead.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Examples of new statements can be:\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2013 I so want to be close to you. I am so afraid that we will drift apart when everyday life is so hectic. And I know I can be unsure if you still love me.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or;\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2013I get so scared when you show you want sex. Because I don't know if I can make it happen. And then I either just have to "play along" which I know is not good for me, or I have to say no and hurt you. I hate to hurt you, because I want you to be happy. And I want you to know that I love you.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

If the couple can talk to each other like this, where they dare to be vulnerable and take care of each other while also talking about the differences between them, then they have taken big steps in relation to entering new tracks that can grow stronger over time . And this time with a positive sign.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n
Couples therapy at Psykologvirke<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In this text, you gain insight into mechanisms that can create problems in your sex life. You will learn more about the meaning of different ignition patterns. Finally, you will get tips on how the couple can reverse a negative sexual cycle. <\/p>","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":3749,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_angie_page":false,"page_builder":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"problemstilling":[165,169,175],"terapiretning":[],"class_list":["post-3738","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-selvhjelp"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nN\u00e5r sex blir vanskelig<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"N\u00e5r sex blir vanskelig? Ulikt tenningsm\u00f8nster eller sexlyst? 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