Your emotional Christmas age

A Christmas text by Akiah Ottesen and Ida K. Holth

«"It was the night before Christmas, and so quiet in our house
that nothing was heard, no, not a mouse.
By the fireplace the stockings were hung up in place,
for now Saint Claus would soon come with his load
Look in on the children, who slept in their den,
Dreaming of all the good things they would soon receive.
And mom and I, we had just gone to sleep
– we were all under the covers, both of us…..»

(And we'll write a little more:)
They whispered and pondered, worried so
For difficult meetings, sneak around on tiptoe
around daughter or mother, sister or brother.
No, it really should be like last year...

Many of us dread Christmas. The anticipation of reliving the magic of childhood meets the fear of relational drama, where we suddenly find ourselves in a dogma movie from the 90s. When hours turn into days and days into dark nights, the repressed can bubble up. The unrest tightens in the chest, an innocent comment becomes the trigger of the times, the Christmas argument is a fact.

Maybe there's an uncle who's annoying, who always says something rude and inappropriate. Just like he just must be in opposition – as if he were a teenager. Now he's going to show you that he's got it all figured out and that everyone else is wrong. As if he's still working hard to defeat his domineering father and break away from him, but is trapped in a role that the one who is against.

Or what about when your mother suddenly needs help with absolutely everything and has started to doubt her decisions. When you were growing up, she was the strongest in the world and the epitome of competent. Where she hangs on you now, she reminds you more of a slightly overweight two-year-old, who you know can do more, but is just too tired to walk on her own.

Emotional age

Although our bodies and knowledge develop throughout life, it often happens that our emotions get stuck at a specific age.

And because every age has its own dilemmas, which everyone has to go through, you don't have to be a psychologist to understand what your uncle, mom, brother or yourself are going through when things get tough and emotion regulation flies out the window like a Christmas tree in January.

We can look to developmental psychologist Erik Erikson's stage theory here, where the nine stages of life all involve existential and emotional crises that are not necessarily easily resolved. For example, from birth to about 18 months, it is about establishing a basic trust in the outside world.

If this project fails, due to tired, absent or frightening parents, one is trapped in a kind of continuous crisis: Can I trust those around me or do I always have to be on guard? In the next stage, it is about establishing a basic autonomy versus being trapped in self-doubt and shame: Am I good at something? Will I be able to do it? Can I be proud of what I have created in the potty, or will everything just become pressure and coercion and impossible and I will not be able to do it?

Challenges and conflicts from these phases of life are not always resolved. And here comes what Freud called the repetition compulsion. The crises that are not resolved, felt or heard, are repeated again and again in different forms and on different stages. The Christmas party is one stage where old dramas can go da capo.

Christmas is for children

But what are we going to do about this? We have to get through Christmas anyway, and it would be best for everyone if it was also a little nice.

Psychologists may be reluctant to give advice, because the point is precisely to figure things out for yourself (cf. phase two in developmental theory), but here is some advice that you can choose to oppose or relate to: Explore the stage you or your annoying family members are stuck in.

When Uncle Kåre with the great job gets the infamous look during Christmas breakfast, then see. Look a little closer to see if it's maybe three-year-old Kåre who suddenly wants to join in the game.

So this Christmas – take a look around the room – and observe what age your relative is today. See if it changes something inside you, if it warms your heart a little more. I bet you notice the tensions releasing, like suddenly being able to breathe. Oh yes, there Mom turned two, and two-year-olds want to explore the world from a safe vantage point, and there I turned five, and five-year-olds need support in their decisions.

The teenager needs freedom and generosity, while the infant just wants peace, food and sleep and routines. And children at all stages need love. And play, which is practicing something difficult in a safe and good setting, as a preparation for the rest of life.

So what if this Christmas you welcomed your relatives as the children they are? As an experiment – just see what happens. Because isn't Christmas really for kids?