«"Did you take the elevator up while I took the stairs down? For a moment we were on the same floor, or at least it felt like it."*

Psychologist Ellen Sofie Hovland Austad

A completely ordinary morning in a completely ordinary home can hold more than bags
to be packed, breakfast to be eaten and agreements on follow-up of
leisure activities. In the middle of it all there may be a couple where both feel
painful, unresolved emotions that become a source of open conflict or silence and
rejection. It can be difficult to find space to address this in a hectic
everyday life. Over time, you can end up feeling quite lonely, and some
times of breakups. Couples therapy gives the couple a chance to understand each other more,
reconnect and feel less alone together.

She looks at him across the kitchen counter. They've both had coffee, and that's needed. Where are we going?
further from here, he thinks? The question remains unanswered in his head, and it is
nor time to think the idea through. The noise from children who are dissatisfied with the
the pants that have been presented, and discussions about whether it is actually necessary to go
at school in general comes to the fore.

She explains, as she usually does, that children in Norway must go to school, the King has
decided, and lists some good reasons why he has decided exactly that while
She swallows hard, as if to digest the words that were spoken yesterday. But they have settled
stuck in my throat. Those words that never found a place. They just lay on the floor like
something heavy and foreign. Like an unnecessary piece of furniture someone had dragged into the house and
which no one now knew what to do with. Could one give it to the annual
The flea market? A big sack with something dark inside? Unlikely to be sold.

She feels the tears welling up. He looks down at his phone. Trying to read the news.
Looks up and supports what she has said about the King. Says that now the children must
rushed. Gives them a little push. They get a hug. Heat radiates from him in
their direction, and she thinks; why don't I get some of that warmth? Don't you see that
I'm in trouble here? Don't you see that I have a lot of words to swallow? Don't you see the heavy
The bag that's standing in the middle of the living room and that needs to be taken out? Who's going to carry it out?

He looks down at the phone again. Feels the sting of her gaze piercing into his
him. He knows she expects him to say something. Come up with something that can solve
this. Doesn't she understand that I have no idea what he's going to say? What are you supposed to say, anyway?
She's obviously not happy with me; I try and try, but it never works out.
enough for her.

She looks out the window, thinking about Geir and Lisa, Truls and Ragnhild. The kind of couples who get
that to. Who talk easily about building decks and pergolas in the garden, and
who drives the kids to soccer without a single frown. Who probably doesn't have a dark
sack of undigested words in the house that no one knows what to do with. The newspaper reads
she with half an eye a post from a couples therapist who thinks a whole lot about
how one should communicate. Far from how we feel, she thinks, and feels
felt even more depressed. Maybe this was never meant to be? But still
It feels like tearing out part of your intestine or something, thinking about it ending.

«"Can you follow the football today? I have some things to do after work," he says. She
nods. It's okay. At least that's what she says.

He takes a deep sip of his coffee and feels a sting of something. There is a «something» here that
reminds him of something else. Something he has experienced before. It is unpleasant. He scrolls
It might go away if he just sits there completely still and drinks coffee and doesn't
provokes. She looks at him. He looks at her. There is something warm in that look. Just
a little moment. Both can feel it. But no one says anything. Maybe it can be done
Still, she thinks. Maybe? Then it's on.

They walk out of the house, wave gently to the neighbor, and exchange a few words over the fence about how they
are planning to build a platform, and that they have to drive to football a little later today. "It's a little
"Oh, but just hang on to the strap!" Laughter on both sides of the
the fence. They swallow again, so that the hurtful words fall a little further into their stomachs. They
give each other a quick hug, and their eyes meet. But only just. They have to move on with
today's program.

As much as conflicts are natural and inevitable, they can also form some major,
painful "bags" in the house that you can't move, and that you eventually just have to
trying to avoid. Then you can feel quite lonely.

If this isn't enough, you should also feel ashamed because "everyone else" gets it so much.
better. This is an illusion, and the illusion is probably due to the fact that we are not aware of
the wall inside people's kitchens, living rooms and bedrooms. In most people's homes there is arguing, or there is
An unapproachable silence arises when difficult emotions arise.

Couples rarely argue just about the one current issue that is up at that moment.
Suddenly, a request to do the dishes or other small things can get a different and
greater importance as emotions well up and within you and you feel the need to defend yourself
against being called an incompetent and worthless person (even if that was not what was
said). When such waves of emotion are triggered, it can be about, among other things, that
huge archive we have with us of past experiences, but it is not so easy to get
thank you there and then.

It is natural for us to try to protect ourselves from strong and painful emotions, and that
we tend to do things in slightly different ways. For example, one may become persistent and want to «solve
it" through conversation to feel safe, while the other may withdraw to
feel safe. One may become loud and angry, the other quiet and dismissive. During
this surface can both be afraid. Afraid of losing the other and afraid of
lose oneself.

In emotion-focused couples therapy, we try to find peace and time to look more closely at what is
lies beneath the arguments, and what we typically do when we are afraid of hurt feelings.
The goal is not to eliminate all friction or to become experts in communication, but perhaps
to feel like you're "on the same page" a little more often.

*From the lyrics of the song "Did you dream of more", Valkyrien Allstars (2009)